I’ve been thinking through why so many people find it hard to deliver feedback. The input, advice and observations of others shape our development at work, our relationships, and our sense of identity: but often what we’re getting is badly delivered, un-constructive, and not provided within the framework of positive intent.

In his book “The Culture Secret”, Dr David Vik, says: “It is important to know the difference between criticism and feedback. Criticism is subjective and passes judgement by pointing out faults or short-comings. It is usually received negatively because no one likes to be judged. Criticism is a de-motivator. It does not encourage anyone to perform better. Generally when people do the wrong thing, they do not need to be reprimanded. What they need is for someone to explain how to do the job correctly.”

What this quote also demonstrates is how blurred the line between criticism and feedback can be. For many the idea of feeding-back has negative connotations, it denotes that someone might not be performing properly, that they are some how “less than”. But these associations could not be further from the truth, feeding-back to someone (unlike criticism) is enabling a person to learn and grow, it is the most caring thing you can do for them.

For a lot of my life I’ve been awful at feedback, but that’s hardly rare. Now I’m in coaching I’ve worked and trained hard around how to do this effectively; but previously I found it emotionally trying and used to kick myself for thinking I’d upset someone or for not feeling that I was properly honest with them in the first place. The thing is we’re brought up to be “nice to people” to be “polite”, we learn from our parents, from school, from T.V, that if someone is doing something wrong, it’s a lot easier to vent your opinion behind their back because you must not hurt someone’s feelings. The result is that a lot of people I speak to beat themselves up because they feel they are weak and unable to be honest: or they are boiling with pent up frustrations; a river of words left unsaid. So the truth is the majority of people struggle with feedback, and not because it’s a courage issue, but because it’s a cultural one. This is a particular theme in Isobel Losada’s new book “Sensation” an amazing treatise on empowering female sexuality, which explicitly points to how little influence women feel they are able to bring to sex through being unable to feedback.

Outside of this, we’re also subject to the deep primal urges of social compliance, the idea that when we were cavemen, if we did something to upset someone in the pack we’d be ostrastised, left vulnerable and alone and probably end up getting eaten up by the nearest Tyrannosaurus Rex. But now we live in modern times, so just imagine how much easier you would breathe if you operated in a world that made it clear that “there was no such thing as failure, just feedback”.

Sometimes you meet those unique, one off individuals, born with bucket loads of confidence who will happily spray their opinions left right and centre with wild abandon and no clue how their “honesty” lands and effects other people, but they prove the exception, rather than the rule. And they’re not necessarily giving constructive feedback anyway. The people I know who are the best at providing feedback have earned their stripes, they’ve gained that skill through life experience and worked hard to consciously cultivate an ability to understand how to effectively be heard by someone and enable them to improve and grow.

So, ask yourself this, are you able to provide feedback that is honest and unbiased and comes from a desire to want the best for someone? And if we were to think of the ability to feedback as a skill, what lessons can we learn from those who are good at it to help improve ourselves in this area? The three main precepts that I adhere to, follow:

  1. Set your intention

Ensure you are in the right frame of mind, and that you are truly providing feedback from a place of care. If you need help with this then visualise the person you are going to talk with and focus on repeating this short compassion mantra* to their image before the meeting:

  • I apologise — (This helps you understand that you alone are responsible for your reactions, not other people and their behaviour)
  • I’m sorry — (This enables you to park your ego and feel humility)
  • Thank-you — (This is not just focused on the person you are talking to but to yourself and the world around you, for everything it has to offer and teach you)
  • I love/ care for you — (Again, this is not just for the person you are talking to, it’s to yourself and to everyone and everything that is good in your life)

You’ll be amazed by how this short exercise helps shift the texture of your emotional state, especially if you really, authentically imbue it with meaning. By generating feelings of compassion and humility, even for a few moments, you are parking your ego at the front door and removing the “axe to grind” mentality that many people can get absorbed in. You are putting yourself in the mind-set of wanting to feedback to someone based on genuine care and positivity, a far more productive state. (*Taken from the Hawaiian tradition of Ho’oponopono)

2. Set the scene

A crucial element to the way we provide feedback is to deliver it in a safe space. So book a meeting room, go the park, reserve a table at a cosy restaurant, whatever suits. Just make sure you’ve got someone’s full attention in a neutral environment that locks you together. Then set out to agree some rules for the conversation before you both start, the more effective these rules are, the more effective your conversation will be. For example in a business meeting you might work with the following:

  • “I’d like to have a conversation with you that focuses on how we can get you to the next level, so before I start I want to ask if I have your permission to be completely honest?”
  • “I want you to know that everything we are about to discuss is confidential and won’t be shared with anyone, and on that note, I also give you permission to be totally honest with me.”
  • “Before we start, let’s both acknowledge that the only reason we are having this conversation is to ensure you have all the tools and information you need to fulfil your potential.”

3. Frame your key points

Then before you move on, you need to frame what you’re about to say in a way that dissociates the feedback, and makes it more like a problem to be solved not a personal assault, something like:

  • “So there’s one or two things you need to work on here, but before we get into it, let’s just clarify that these things are not your fault, and they are not my fault either, they’re just issues we both need to work on together, to find a solution to.”

This statement, coupled with your “setting the scene” immediately creates an atmosphere then engenders a neutral discussion focused on problem solving not blame. Then you can move lightly onto one of your key points, state it as it is and then ask what the other person thinks about this. The trick here is to make it about them feeding back to you and providing you with solutions, this is a far more powerful way to effect change than telling people what they should do.

And one final word, yes feeding back is scary, but what is even scarier is not feeding back. Like any habit from riding a bike to jogging, it’s something that you will improve at and get better at the more you practise and which will also build your emotional wellbeing and the relationships in your lives tenfold.

If you want to learn more about how to build effective mechanisms to strengthen your positivity, I am going to be running a Mindset Workshop at working accelerator space Huckletree, starting at 6.30pm on May 8th. Message me on tash@tashullah.com for more information and tickets.